


Keyboard Smash

by dydrmrnghtthnkr



Series: Keyboard Smash [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Humor, M/M, alien species but i don't know how to name things so i just keyboard smashed and hoped for the best, idk i wrote this waiting for season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 00:25:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dydrmrnghtthnkr/pseuds/dydrmrnghtthnkr
Summary: Lance is unprepared for what alien fortune-telling entails.





	Keyboard Smash

“Ah yes, yes. I see.”

This is the twentieth time Keith has heard those words, in that exact order.

Lance twiddles his thumbs.

Keith does his best to fight back a yawn.

 

“Incredible, really. Humans are so...different.”

Lance shifts uncomfortably.

Keith fails to fight back a yawn but manages to stifle it. He counts that as a win.

 

“Interesting… I never would’ve guessed.”

Lance looks as if he’s about to open his mouth, presumably to ask what exactly, is so interesting. Keith quickly aims a kick at his ankles. Lance pouts. His eyes water dangerously; his bottom lip trembles. It is clear he wants Keith to get him out of Xzasdajksd’s clutches. Or at the very least, he demands an apology.

 

Keith scoffs. As if that would work on him. Keith has been _educated_ during his time with Voltron. He knows The Truth. He cannot afford to succumb. One moment of weakness, and then Lance _knows._ He knows that the stupid kicked-puppy look he has going on when he is being devious and manipulative _works_. Hunk and Pidge have warned Keith, so now he is enlightened. Unfortunately, Coran had not been saved from The Great And Terrible Eyes. Even now, whenever Lance pulls an especially pathetic expression and makes a wounded noise, Coran bends to his will.  

 

The Red Paladin, luckily, manages to suppress the urge to apologize and wave his arms in a dance that attempts to convey the depth and sincerity of his sorrow. He instead, because he is sensible, glares in response. He narrows his eyes very determinedly at Lance, hoping to convey something along the lines of “this is your own fault, why did you volunteer for the weird alien thing, I don’t care that it’s been three hours, it’s too late to back out now without being rude, speaking of rudeness it’s rude to interrupt people when they talk and the aliens are culturally offended when they’re interrupted so shut up please and don’t ruin this alliance, etc, etc.” He thinks he does a good job. After all, Keith has carefully prepared his defenses against the kicked-puppy look. He has learnt well from his lessons of how to properly lecture someone from Shiro and Allura.

 

The Blue Paladin whimpers. The kicked-puppy look intensifies. Keith didn’t even know that was possible. He thinks he deserves a medal for being the cause of such a phenomenon. Then he remembers that _he is the cause of the kicked-puppy look and oh god what has he done._

Keith bites his tongue very hard and does not comfort Lance, no matter how much he wants to. He can feel his tongue bleeding alongside his pride. Keith has shown weakness. He has shown weakness and now Lance _knows_ how effective the kicked-puppy look is against him. Keith thinks a silent apology at Hunk and Pidge. He has failed.

 

Lance smirks when he notes Keith’s turmoil. All previous sympathetic feelings and apologetic-esque emotions Keith may have previously possessed towards Lance evaporate.

Lance smirks wider. Keith wishes the blood running down his chin would disappear as easily as the kicked-puppy look does. It does not. He is forced to wipe it away with his hands.

Wonderful. Now his Paladin armor has blood on it and Shiro and Allura will ask if he’s gotten in a fight. He doesn’t know if he can survive the disappointed-parent look, not today. His emotional defenses are still recovering from Lance’s vicious onslaught.

He looks at the source of all his agony. Lance is still smirking, his apparent suffering at the hands of Xzasdajksd forgotten at the prospect of causing Keith irritation. Keith scowls. His tongue hurts.

  


After another hour of Xzasdajksd going through various versions of “I’m going to keep cryptically not finishing my sentences to further increase your suspense,” she finally releases Lance’s hand.  

Lance stops fidgeting as soon as he’s in control of his left hand again. Xzasdajksd had spent far too much time, in Keith’s humble opinion, observing Lance’s fingerprints. If anything, she was probably just looking for an excuse to hold Lance’s hand.

(Keith could relate to that. He occasionally sought excuses to hold the Blue Paladin’s hand. For purely academic reasons, of course. He was merely educating Lance so he would learn not to fall for similar ploys in the future! Lance obviously hadn’t learned though; _clearly_ Keith must come up with excuses more often. Eventually Lance would learn.)

Then again, Keith muses, she _had_ also spent a fair bit of time concocting various potions. She forced Lance to drink every one.

 

Keith had, of course, insisted on trying some of each mixture beforehand. He didn’t want Lance to get poisoned or something. It also helped convince Lance to drink them. He was less fearful of the possible negative effects of the concoctions if Keith went through them first.

Keith very quickly regretted his decision.

Some of them had been _vile_. One in particular, had been a misleading shade of shimmery silver. It had looked as if it was the elixir of the gods. Keith, brave Paladin that he was, gulped down a mouthful with no reservations.

Before promptly throwing it back up.

In his defense, he would’ve rather consumed a mixture of Galra guts and Hunk’s vomit than drink more of _that_ mixture.

Xzasdajksd had been extremely offended. Her already pink skin reddened even more and her dark pupil-less eyes narrowed. She stretched to her full height, easily towering over both Lance and Keith. One of her seven hands twitched, far too close to the knife in her belt for his comfort. Keith hastily told her he had an allergic reaction to one of the substances in the potion.

Appeased, she turned to Lance.

The Blue Paladin had not been quick enough with his excuses. Xzasdajksd poured the concoction down his throat with a smile that revealed all her very, very sharp teeth. She had a hand on the hilt of her very, very sharp knife. Her other hands all had fingers with very, very sharp manicured claws.

 

Needless to say, Lance kept it down.

 

-

 

“So uh, we can go back to the rest of the Paladins right?” Keith asks.

Lance looks hopefully at Xzasdajksd. His please-give-me-treats puppy look is in action. Keith has never been more grateful for it.

Xzasdajksd merely laughs.

“Of course not! There are still fourty-seven steps left in proper Alasjdlksdjals Akjsdh-Telling Custom.”

Lance gulps.

The pink alien then proceeds, “But, due to the unfortunately short life-spans of Earthlings, we shall reduce it. Only one more step shall be necessary. Does that satisfy you?”

Keith is surprised Lance does not break his neck with his vigorous nodding.  

 

(“What’s akjsdh?” Lance asks finally, unable to contain his curiosity.

Xzasdajksd looks at him as if he has suddenly turned into an owl. “Why, it’s the comings of the future, _obviously_.”

“Ah.”)

 

“The last task,” Xzasdajksd begins, “is a task that depends solely on _you_ , Blue Paladin.”

She pauses for dramatic effect. Keith briefly contemplates the pros and cons of oohing and ahhing. He decides he likes his neck intact and keeps his thoughts to himself.

“It is something that shall prove your endurance and your strength.”

Keith doesn’t think Lance possesses either of those two things. It is probably best not to mention that though.

“Are you ready?” She smiles with all of her teeth.

Keith turns to look at Lance. His smile has frozen on his face. His eyes are flickering around for an escape and his knees are wobbling.

“He is,” Keith says, patting Lance on the back.

Blue eyes stare pathetically at him. He mouths something that looks suspiciously like “help me.”

Keith waves cheerfully in response as Xzasdajksd leads them to the backroom. Lance sticks a finger that should not be sticking up on its own.

Keith smirks.

  
  


He listens carefully as Xzasdajksd explains the rules. They are surprisingly straight-forward.

 

Lance must dip his face into the water basin and gather a Ysdfishf (they resemble tiny, adorable dragons) egg in his mouth. He will transfer it to the nearby platter. He shall repeat the process until he has gotten nine eggs. If he breaks an egg, he must start from zero again.

 

Keith looks at Lance. Surely this will soothe his fears.

Lance...does not look soothed. Or fearful. Instead he appears incredulous. But he agrees to the terms so Keith counts it a win.

(He hears the Blue Paladin muttering under his breath as he approaches the basin.

“Why is it an advanced version of bobbing for apples? Who comes up with this stuff? Even the eggs are apple-sized! Is this why aliens don’t want to talk to Earth? Because our game isn’t advanced enough? Well I guess that would explain why the Galra want to take over...”

Keith is feverently glad Xzasdajksd does not hear.)

  


Finally, Lance reaches the basin and begins.

It is uneventful at best. Keith is slightly disappointed.

 

After ten minutes, the task is finished.

Xzasdajksd congratulates Lance enthusiastically.

“Incredible! Well done!” For once the smile on her face doesn’t seem to be used as an intimidation factor.

The Red Paladin offers a thumbs up. Lance glares. Keith gives two thumbs up. The glare decreases in ferocity. Keith sighs. Lance taps his foot impatiently. Finally, Keith pulls the corners of his mouth into something that could possibly be deemed a smile. Lance is satisfied. Keith fights the urge to stab him with his bayard.

Xzasdajksd coughs.

The pair snap to attention.

“So...” she says.

“So...” Lance says.

“So...” Keith says.

“It comes time to tell you of the events the future holds in store for you.”

 

The pink alien whips out a jewel from a pocket.

“It is the much revered Jewel of Telling!”

Keith stares. Lance stares.

The jewel is purple, heart-shaped, the size of a fist, and made of plastic. They wisely keep their mouths shut about it.

 

Xzasdajksd begins talking then, holding the jewel above her head and speaking at it.

“Oh, Keyboard-Smashing gods, what is the path of the Blue Paladin? He has gone through the Steps of Requirement.”

 

The jewel shines. Xzasdajksd nods thoughtfully.

“I see,” she says.

Lance fidgets impatiently at Keith’s side.

 

Xzasdajksd pulls the jewel close to her face. She looks into it.

 

“Lance,” she says. “You will become a king.”

Keith sighs and places a hand on Lance’s shoulder to stop him from bouncing up and down.

She continues, “You will suffer at the hands of the Green Paladin and Princess Allura.”

Lance no longer needs Keith’s hand on his shoulder to stop him from bouncing up and down. Keith keeps it there anyways. Just in case.

“And one more thing! Ah yes, you and the Red Paladin shall be wed.”

Keith removes his hand when he feels Lance tense up.

Lance sputters.

 

Before either of them can utter a (coherent) word of protest, Xzasdajksd kicks them out of her house. Literally.

 

The pair unceremoniously hit the dirt ground.

Keith sighs. Now he has to worry not only about his tongue, but also about the bruises he’s received.

Huh. It’s rather strange. He feels as if there should be more aches and pains.

There is a groan beneath him. Oh.

Lance has oh so kindly cushioned his fall. The Blue Paladin spends quite a bit of time saying things that Keith disapproves of him saying. He wasn’t aware Lance knew so many words.

 

Then the Blue Paladin registers that Keith is on top of him.

He shrieks. Keith does not appreciate it.

“Shut up.” He says simply.

“You’re the one on top of me!”

“How does that relate to you shutting up?”

 

Lance flushes. The longer Keith looks at him, the redder he gets. It’s quite amusing actually. Flustering Lance also lets him properly commit the precise shade of blue Lance’s eyes are to memory.

“I- you’reactuallyreallypretty- what? Shut up!” Lance eloquently delivers, before shoving Keith off and stomping away.

Keith tries to process this. He fails. So he sighs and then follows. They have to reunite with the rest of the team, after all.

  


When the other inhabitants of the Castle see the pair, Allura immediately begins to praise them.

Apparently Lance’s actions ensured a peace treaty. She then inquires about what had exactly happened.

Lance stares at Keith, turns bright red, and mumbles, “apple bobbing,” before stumbling dizzily in the direction of where the Castle is landed.

 

In unison, they turn to Keith for an explanation.

He shrugs. “ _I_ wasn’t the one who got my akjsdh told.”

 

Hunk looks at Pidge with wide eyes. “How did he say a-k-j-s-d-h out loud?”

Pidge just shakes her head. “Sometimes things are better left undiscovered."

 

(It takes the combined strength of Allura and Shiro’s disappointed-parent look and a bribe consisting of Hunk’s ultra-special newly-concocted vaguely chocolate-tasting food goo to wrench the story out of Lance.

Pidge does not stop laughing for eighty-seven ticks. Then Lance’s mulish “it’s not funny!” sets her off again.)

 

-

 

The next day, Lance glares at Keith during team training.

Keith approaches him afterwards and asks why.

Lance does not explain. Instead, he turns red and extends his hand.

Keith does not know why Lance wants a handshake, but obliges. He tries to let go.

Lance does not let go.

Keith raises an eyebrow.

Lance flushes even more. “Just hold my hand!”

Keith stares. “Can I hold your hand with my other hand? We can’t really walk like this…”

Lance resembles a tomato. Keith holds Lance’s hand with his other hand.

 

Pidge takes pictures.

 

-

 

Lance refuses to acknowledge it, but Xzasdajksd’s predictions come true.

 

A lively alien seahorse race announce Lance as their supreme ruler when he saves them from a Galra attack.

 

Pidge and Allura shave a stripe down his head after he manages to piss both of them off. At the same time.

(Keith is not quite sure how he managed that, but Lance refuses to tell.)

Lance sulks until Coran succumbs to the kicked-puppy look and finds a hair-growing salve.

 

Keith and Lance get married. It is admittedly accidental (who knew that on some planets a kiss on the lips at sundown in front of a crowd of exactly thirty-six aliens equals a wedding ceremony?) but Lance is adamant that they don’t get the marriage annulled.

Keith has no protests.

 

And life is good.

  
  
  


(“Okay, but seriously, how do you say a-k-j-s-d-h outloud?”)

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated haha


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